


Ren VS Thrawn Wedding Battles

by VicenteValtieri



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Funny, Humor, M/M, Marriage, Review, Wedding, arranged, comparison, nostalgia critic - Freeform, who would you go for?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-22
Updated: 2016-09-22
Packaged: 2018-08-16 16:23:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8109310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VicenteValtieri/pseuds/VicenteValtieri
Summary: A Nostalgia Critic style comparison of Thrawn and Kylo Ren and their various attributes. Who would you marry?





	

Helllooo, I’m VicenteValtieri and I gripe about things you don’t think to!

It’s practically a cliché at this point: Kylo Ren and General Hux. The fanbase is nearly united in the opinion that they’re fucking. They have an angry, torrential chemistry that just begs to be exploited for porn.

But why would someone want to see those two in a marriage?

It doesn’t make a lot of sense given what we know about them, in that they HATE EACH OTHER!

Seriously people! Marriage kind of requires at least a little bit of tender affection.

This wouldn’t be so bad if the fandom stuck to the old “it was beaten out of them” routine, which at least makes sense.

But put someone, anyone else in Ren’s shoes and you’re inviting a firestorm. Let’s pick someone at random. What’s the rarest rare pairing in the Star Wars Fandom. Checking… Checking… Luke/Hux has twelve… Anything Hux/Tarkin is on crack… Way too many Hux/Poe Dameron’s… Ah, perfect. Let’s take a look at the only serious Thrawn/Hux marriage fanfic in the archive: “I’d Let You Choke Me to Death, But You Wouldn’t” in comparison to the world’s worst Hux/Kylo Ren marriage fic “In this Life and All Others.”

Awkwardly long titles aside, both have their merits and distinct charm. Vicente Valtieri is best known for her long, meandering fics such as “Burn My Lungs and Twist My Heart” and for much shorter fics high as ever living fuck on crack. A self-admitted “spewer” of words, she takes plot as it comes, but draws one to inevitable conclusions after a walk in the rose garden.

Readbetweenthelions, on the other hand, is best known for short, silly one-shots. “In this Life and All Others” is her longest Star Wars fic. That said, she has her own poignant, if a little pointless, humor. 

Each author took a look at The Force Awakens and said “Hey, I can do something with this!” and these two fics are the result.

“In This Life and All Others” begins with Hux being ordered to Corellia to marry the “Prince” of the core worlds. Why isn’t it a Republic? Because Ren needed to be a Prince, isn’t it obvious? He’s clearly resentful of the arrangement that his father has made and isn’t looking forwards to it at all. Nothing goes right for him as he is humiliated, forced to wear white, and otherwise manipulated into the marriage. All throughout, characters from his sister to Queen Leia assure him that he’ll “get used to Ren” or “Be good for Ren,” but there’s little to no mention of what would be good for Hux by these so-called caretakers. Personally, I’d like to see what these people are saying to Ren to prepare him to marry Hux. That would be a great future fic. I’d read it!

Anyway, after the obligatory honeymoon, Hux becomes enamored of Ren and they fall in love. It’s a very detailed, complex story and almost boring in its attention to detail.

“Well, that’s just not fair.” One of the buttercreamer gang popped up to say.

Meanwhile, “I’d Let You Choke Me” begins with Kylo fucking Hux, apparently unpleasantly. His childishly resentful personality takes form over the next few chapters as he declares that he wants Hux to be thinking of him on his wedding night. Who is he getting married to? Well, only Emperor Palpatine’s son.

That’s right. In this fic, Thrawn is Emperor Palpatine’s son.

“OF COURSE!”

Emperor Thrawn comes to take Hux to Naboo for their wedding. He objects strongly to Ren’s apparently abusive relationship with Hux and sweeps the General off to a chalet in the cold north of Naboo. They have a great deal of fun getting to know each other by making love, looking at childhood photos, and having a fricking snow siege with Force animated snowmen. I don’t even care that that’s not how the Force works! I love it!

As the plot moves, and I won’t spoil anything major, Thrawn and Ren are brought into conflict over Hux and non-happy fun times ensue. Sorry.

It’s not a finished fic, but I have it on good authority that Ren dies. Rest assured, Ren dies in the most awful way VicenteValtieri can think up.

Well, both fics have their merits. Readbetweenthelions uses a lot of detail and a fairly slow pace, VicenteValtieri has a fast-paced writing style that makes the chapters fairly fly. Both styles are fun, charming, and can be witty. Both pieces are fairly original, as far as “arranged marriage au’s” go, and each creates timeless and sympathetic chara- I can’t even finish that statement.

Let’s get into the comparison of our protagonist: General Hux.

In “In This Life and All Others” Hux is still a Major General. He doesn’t want to marry Ren, in fact, he hates him. But he still goes along with this royally stupid scheme of his father’s for fuck, I don’t know. It’s not really explained beyond “politics.” And this character is pathetic. He lets himself be bossed about, dares not actually communicate his problems, and goes along with it all as if he doesn’t have a choice. If his father is such a cold bastard, I wonder what Han or Leia would think of Hux’s unwillingness.

Speaking to that point, it is the height of hypocrisy for Leia and Han to arrange their son’s marriage. The smuggler and the princess of Alderaan making a choice for their son that will affect his happiness forever. What great parents.

No one is going to identify with Hux. He’s this little stilted slip of a thing that arouses sympathy, but no actual feeling. He doesn’t take action to change his situation or even to properly resist it.

Meanwhile, the Hux of “I’d Let you Choke Me” is a bit of a bastard at first. As his occasional mental monologues evidence, he is perfectly willing to play Thrawn and Ren against each other and to take advantage of the situation he finds himself in. He prefers Thrawn because Thrawn is kinder and more likely to keep him safe and keep his needs and desires in mind, but doesn’t admit to any form of affection for the Sith.

Yeah, spoiler, Thrawn’s a fucking Sith.

So this Hux isn’t very sympathetic either. He’s clearly going to wring whatever he can from the situation and probably doesn’t care if Thrawn or Ren are hurt in between. But where the Hux of “In this Life and All Others” is apathetic, this Hux is active, adventurous, and takes an interest in life as well as being willing to stand up for himself. Not that he needs to much. Thrawn’s pretty good about making sure he has what he needs.

A comparison of the various attributes of the bridegrooms will come after we deal with the minor characters.

First “In This Life and All Others.” Most of these characters aren’t seen often, so we’ll focus on the main ones, those being Hux’s family and Ren’s.

It starts off with Han being an ass, but that was expected. He foists a familiar and familial nickname off on Hux in spite of Hux’s discomfort. Strike one. C-3PO, now an announcer of sorts, annoys Hux to no end, prattling on like the chatterer he is. Strike two. Leia makes excuses for her son’s rudeness and appears to do nothing to correct him. Strike three. Hux’s own family ranges from “supportive, but dumb” to “condescending, but stupid” to “controlling and almost abusive.” His sister, ironically the most sympathetic character in the fic, fails to understand his objections or to help in any meaningful way. Strike four. His brother wishes he was in Hux’s shoes, which begs the question, why does it have to be Hux? Wouldn’t “Khyden” do just as well? He’s obviously more eager for the prestige of the position and I don’t think Hux would object. Man! The possibility! Strike five. His father… His father is an asshat. Let’s put it like that and leave it. Strike seven.

The servants, and especially a certain obnoxious tailor, are difficult, condescending, or just plain rude. They clearly think that their royal masters are above this “mere” General and refuse to offer the complete and excellent service that any reasonable person would expect from the Queen of the Core Worlds’ staff. UGH! Strike eight.

Meanwhile, the cast of “I’d Let You Choke Me” is, to a man, deferential and respectful to the General, with the noted exception of Ren and his Knights. And those guys die. They die horribly. 

The minor characters are given clear purpose and position in the story, even going on to a smaller romance arc between the Emperor’s second in commands, Mitaka and Pelleaon. It’s sweet, charming, and enjoyable. Leave it at that.

Which brings us to a direct comparison of our two bridegrooms. Thrawn and Ren. Let’s take it down the line.

1) Ren thinks he’s superior to Hux. This couldn’t be more obvious if it was stated. In fact, I think it was stated. Thrawn on the other hand, does all in his power to make his Consort his equal in their interactions with the exception of rare occasions where he issues a command and expects it to be obeyed. As the military leader of the Empire, this isn’t surprising. Ren, on the other hand, has done nothing to earn Hux’s respect except to admit that he had been shunting him and their wedding aside to earn a nebulously defined Lordship that taught him nothing about personal respect or how to interact with others. Thrawn defines himself as a lord of the Sith and explains what that means in detail to Hux.  
2) Ren doesn’t even bring Hux a token gift. Thrawn had the Slender Hyaline, a massive ship armed to the teeth with weaponry, built for him. I’ll take a star ship over nothing any day. Seriously, would it have been so much trouble to stop by the Star Wars version of Wal-Mart and get Hux a plush toy or something equally trite? Hell, it would even be condescending and insulting, which seems to be Ren’s goal this whole time.  
3) Ren is controlling. Thrawn offers Hux as much freedom as possible.  
4) Ren is boorish, brainless, a brute, and can hardly get a civil sentence out past the fact that his head is shoved up his ass. He seems to think that he walks on water just because he’s royal and has been indulged all his life. There’s no grace nor redeeming characteristic to his interactions with Hux and he downright refuses to acknowledge his objections to anything. He even forced him to wear white, for fuck’s sake! Who forces their husband to wear something they hate and that doesn’t look good on them? Thrawn is cultured, charming, courteous, and elegant. He has no illusions about the value of his blood or titles, and it becomes quite clear that, from the moment he was born, he had to prove himself worthy of being the heir to Palpatine’s power. He entered competitions in art and athletics and earned enough degrees to wall paper a house. “Priviledges of birth” are foreign to him.  
5) Thrawn will do all in his power to make sure that Hux is safe, cared for, and comfortable. Ren doesn’t even realize that he has any responsibility at all towards Hux. From the very start, it seems he goes out of his way to make his to-be miserable. He flaunts his freedom to do his job while Hux tastes spinach tarts of all things. Have you ever had a spinach tart? Even the good ones are these almost-burned shells filled with leaves that have either been stewed or wilted into primordial sludge. Disgusting. Then, he goes on to torment Hux on their honeymoon and to ignore his needs. Force-user, my foot. Anyone without a lick of that magical aura could sense that Hux needs help and support from his spouse, not to be degraded and dragged about. Thrawn ensures that Hux has time to do his job, even offers not to have Hux do anything for their wedding. He goes out of his way to help Hux with the wedding and just to spend time getting to know him as a person. He assumes nothing, offers him every chance to back out, and even promises to make things right with Snoke so he won’t suffer a consequence. He brings his General tea, exfoliates his heels, takes him on a sled ride, and does his utmost to be a good husband.  
6) The wedding night. Ren fucked this one up royally. Such a great mind-reader, my ass. He couldn’t sense his own spouse’s reluctance and showed even less ability to talk about it like an adult, instead throwing one of his fits and putting him in his old bedroom. A child’s room. Thrawn, on the other hand, tries to set Hux at ease and assures him that HE will go elsewhere if necessary. He’s still concerned for Hux’s comfort and welfare and not thinking of himself at all. He wants Hux to be able to consent to sex and is horrified that the General would think it necessary to take an aphrodisiac instead of admitting his difficulties. They talk about it and Thrawn manages to convince Hux that they can still have good sex, they just have to do it right. Well, duh!  
7) Why is this happening? Why does an arranged marriage need to take place? This is Star Wars, aliens and flying cars, haven’t we moved past this? At least in “I’d Let You Choke Me” Thrawn admits that his only goal in asking for Hux’s hand was Hux himself. If he genuinely wanted the First Order on his side, he’d have gotten it without using an archaic device. It’s explained and talked over fairly early in the fic and further gone over later. I don’t doubt that there will be more discussion even later. In “In This Life and All Others” it just… is. It just happened. No explanation, no reasoning, just is.

 

If “I’d Let You Choke Me” has a weakness, it’s Thrawn. He’s just too perfect. He’s exactly what Hux needs, the Empire needs, and pretty darn powerful to boot. He makes Hux happy, is willing to act the fool to cheer him up, protects him from Ren, and comes out like a rose every time. It may be unrealistic, but it’s charming in its own puppy-love way.

In the end, who would you marry? Ren or Thrawn? Post your answer in the comments below, and I am out.


End file.
